Parenting by Connection Retreat
The March long weekend in Adelaide saw the Parenting by Connection retreat being held. This is where parents who all practice the tools come together with a common interest. These are parents who are living these tools and are now helping others in their community as instructors.
I was honoured to be surrounded by parents who have their children’s interest at heart plus know how to support themselves and each other through mutual respect and listening.
The energy in the room was very much about connection. Half an hour earlier someone you may have never met was now supporting you.
There was a level of safety created as well as inspiration and learning.
There was opportunities to talk, cry and express in any form necessary about what was on the forefront of our minds and feel completely supported. We were no longer alone.
During a group Listening time I chose to work on some injustice that I had experienced towards my children and myself. I know now that I will no longer need to feel small or alone as I have the power and support from this gang of parents who are pretty amazing.
My son Enrico, 3 and I had the opportunity to be part of a Play Event where play is used to release feelings. I had read about the power of a Play Event and seen snippets on video but was not prepared to experience what was to come.
When we arrived they asked Enrico what he was looking forward to in this Play Event. He said “Special Time”. I certainly had not coached him but looking back now as I write this makes me think he somehow knew what was coming.
We started with some pillow fighting, the adults being hit by the children and falling around. Enrico got involved with the pillows but kept making excuses to leave the area. At one point he completely distanced himself away from the group to play elsewhere and our wonderful facilitator Ann saw what he was trying to do and encouraged me to bring him back with the words said jokingly, “I will not let you leave”. We wrestled him playfully as we said this and allowed him to have some resistance against us. It became a game where he kept trying to get away and we would bring him back in a fun way.
We then moved onto Special Time where Enrico chose to play in the sand, I played next to him, allowing him to lead me with what he wanted me to do. Once again Ann came over as Enrico started to throw sand at me. She said “Set the Limit”, I don’t think I was quick enough as I become covered in sand and Ann stepped in and set the limit while scooping him up and giving him a hug and kiss. He started to really resist at this point as the anger surfaced. He started to shout at her, blow raspberries and pushing and kicking.
Ann encouraged me to say, “I am not letting you go” and every time I said this he raged harder.
He then came over to me to hold as he continued to work on his feelings.
Enrico tried stopping his feelings by asking for a tissue, a drink, to go to the toilet but Ann recognised these for what they were and said, “I know you want a tissue”. This allowed him to continue with his feelings and not stop them.
All the while I told him that I loved him.
Ann said that being told, “I love you” was often very difficult to hear. This seemed true, as every time I said it to Enrico he would sob harder.
Ann also ensured that I did not stroke or pat him but had my hand on his lower back in a reassuring way. When we pat it can be see as calming and stoking emotions away but instead it was important to just let him know I was there.
We were due to stop Special Time between parent and child and allow another adult to do Special Time with the child but it was apparent that Stay Listening was needed in this case.
At one point Enrico wrapped his arms around my neck and hung on for dear life burying his head in my shoulder, sobbing and sobbing.
Megan, one of the Instructors and my wonderful mentor through my Instructor Program came over and held Enrico as he faced me, kicking, pushing and raging. He then bent right over and would not look up. He started to foam at the mouth and gag. “I can’t breath”, he cried. “My eye is sore, it hurts, it’s cut, it hurts, it hurts”, he screamed. It was then that it all came together; he was working on birth trauma.
During his delivery his eye had been cut by forceps, which the doctor had used to get him out and he was taken away from me, as he couldn’t breath shortly after being born.
As parents we want to know why our children are upset and sometimes we really don’t know the real cause but here it was, him telling and showing us what it was.
Here was my child, fighting for his life and there was Megan holding him. She had another parent supporting her from behind. I had one parent with their hand on me and another parent sitting on my other side. There were other parents all within sight too.
I was overwhelmed. “Why wont’ he look up, why won’t he look at me?” I wailed. Megan responded that he was feeling despair.
One of the parents said “it’s ok to cry about this hurt” and that was all I needed. I was able to release all the fear around his birth too. There we were in this circle of safety my little baby fighting for his life and me crying for his pain and for mine.
After a while my crying stopped and I felt stronger and able to continue to listen to my son. He was still bent over not looking at anyone, crying and raging.
I had no idea of time during this process or of our surroundings. All I could feel was the safety and love from these parents supporting my child and me through this.
Often when we are in public and our child acts out we are greeted with looks of judgment or a negative comment but here, all I received was safety and support and I thank every parent present for that.
As Enrico’s sobs got a little quieter but he was still bent over, Helena next to me said to Enrico, can you see mummy’s leg, mummy’s tummy and slowly encouraging him to look up. I would have just tried to lift him up and look at me but this allowed him the safety of doing it at his own pace.
Eventually he looked up and the emotions looked like that they had subsided for a little. He accepted a drink of water and then turned his interest over to the other children playing in the sand pit. He was happy then to wander over to them while Helena and I sat away from him as she gave me some Listening time over what had just occurred.
Leading up to the retreat Enrico had been having a hard time with taking turns with other children and he did have some cries about it. He also was waking at least four times a night, calling out to me but the night about the Play Event he slept for seven hours, which is a rare occurrence for him.
The next day we asked Enrico if he enjoyed the Play Event and he said yes. He talked about playing with the children in the sand pit but did not mention any of the offloading that he went through.
I am so grateful that as parents we do not need to do this on our own. There is support out there and to be able to help our children and us in healing from wounds is inspirational. I am so grateful to Parenting by Connection and these wonderful tools and parents involved.
Remember if I can help you with anything please email me at my website